[Spotykach] the question how are you?

[jane mitchell]

in continuation of my last post i would like to bring up the topic of the "how are you" queastion.
i had kind of gotten used to the czech way, in that if you feel crap, you say you are crap, and  when you explain why, everyone will agree with you that you have good reason for such feelings, and then the conversation goes on.
i feel this has question has a different function to what it has in australia, in that invariably the answer will be "okay"  or whatever, maybe with a minor complaint but any serious problems are usually brought up later in conversation, when maybe the ice is broken, or i believe so that you dont launch into all your problems thrusting them upon your friend before you have kind of settled in to conversation and the social niceties have taken place.
this has come up because one russian colleague told me that originally she thought western people were being either fake (who can feel 'fine' all the time?)  or were not extending the necessary openness to establish friendship.
another thing is the way to react to another persons problems, where ideas of 'emotional selfishness'or ' being of no comfort' come in.
what i would expect from a listener from my own cultural background would be a sympathetic ear that, that also comes with reassurance of everything is going to be alright, coming in the form  of putting the problem in some kind of manageable perspective (ie presenting it back in a smaller form)
but some (actually lets use the word eastern here)people i have spoken with this reaction has been seen as uncaring, belittling another persons personal troubles, or trying to ignore the heaviness by swinging the conversation to a more positive tone, to make it more pleasant for the listener than for the benefit of the speaker.
by the same token, i have found it noteworthy, and initally pretty depressing either to be told a lot fo problems in the first breath,or to be consoled with the news my situation was crap, end of story.
hence the idea of a percieved lack of care from both 'sides'.
what i have actually found has been the closer friendships become, and the more discussion that takes place, the more 'cultural' behavior tends to appear, not just purely based on individuals inclination.
this is not an attempt to create artificial east-west boundaries but i hope a scope for understanding.
ideas, responses, refutations welcomed.
jane 

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